D'oh!
Stupid junk mail.
Yeah. Win this.
I'll see that he gets it.
How dumb do they think I am? Huh? A check?
One million dollars.
I'm rich!
Mr. Simpson, I can assure you, this check of yours is nonnegotiable.
Oh, yeah? Well, what makes you so damn sure?
See where it says "Void, void, void" and "This is not a check"?
"Cash value 1 /20th of a cent."
- " Mr. Banker, do not honor." - Shut up.
I had a feeling it was too good to be true.
Every time you get a million dollars, something queers the deal.
I don't think real checks have exclamation points.
Well, at least we got a free sample of Reading Digest.
Marge, I never read a magazine in my life, and I'm not gonna start now.
Hey, a cartoon!
Ain't it the truth?
No, it's not the truth, Homer.
It's well-documented that women are safer drivers than men.
Oh, Marge, cartoons don't have any deep meaning.
They're just stupid drawings that give you a cheap laugh.
Hey, Einstein, put down your reading.
- It's lunchtime. - You go ahead.
Hey, you don't wanna eat? What you do, get one of them stomach staples?
As Tolstoy said in Quotable Notables...
"Give me learning, sir, and you may keep your black bread."
- Who is that bookworm, Smithers? - Homer Simpson, sir.
Simpson, eh? How very strange.
His job description clearly specifies an illiterate.
We now return to Troy McClure and Delores Montenegro in Preacher With a Shovel.
But Irrigation can save your people, Chief Smiling Bear.
Marge, look at them staring at that idiot box.
God forbid they would ever read something and improve their minds.
You've certainly taken a shine to that magazine.
It's not just one magazine, Marge.
They take hundreds of magazines, filter out the crap...
and leave you with something that fits right in your front pocket.
God! Those kids don't know what they're missing.
- Dad! - Hey, what gives, man?
the House of Representatives on C-SPAN,
and listen to an inspiring story of wilderness survival.
"Then I heard the sound...
"that all arctic explorers dread—
the pitiless bark of the sea lion."
He'll be killed!
Homer, he obviously got out alive if he wrote the article.
Don't be so— Oh, you're right.
Homey, put down your magazine for a minute.
- Huh? - I thought you might wanna snuggle.
That reminds me. "Seven ways to spice up your marriage."
Marge, "You have a nice body...
and if you'd like to see me in a costume, you have only to ask."
Thank you, Homey.
Wow! Little meat loaf men!
Where did you get the idea for this, Mom?
Where do you think? This baby never steers you wrong, and it was free!
- Free. - It certainly has enriched our lives.
Wow. "Win a trip to Washington, D.C.
All expenses paid. V.I.P. tour."
- Oh, it's for kids. - Wait, Dad!
An essay contest. "Children under 12.
Three-hundred words, fiercely pro-American." Sounds interesting.
Bart, maybe this is something you'd like to do too.
Mom, it's a nice thought, but we both know that this is the pony to bet on.
What would Ben Franklin say if he were alive today?
He'd say, uh...
"Think of a better opening."
- How's it going, honey? - Not very well.
Well, when I used to get stuck like this, I'd go for a bike ride.
- Do kids go on bike rides anymore? - Yes!
I don't know. I thought maybe bikes weren't cool anymore.
- Do kids still use that word "cool"? - Yes, Mom!
Okay, America, inspire me.
Wow, a bald eagle.
Hmm.
Thanks for driving me to the contest, Dad.
Sweetheart, there's nothing I wouldn't do for that magazine.
"So burn the flag if you must, but before you do...
"you better burn a few other things.
"You better burn your shirt and your pants.
" Be sure to burn your TV and car.
"Oh, yes, and don't forget to burn your house...
"because none of those things could exist without six white stripes...
seven red stripes and a hell of a lot of stars."
Thank you very much.
Yeah! Damn right!
" Recipe for a free country: Mix one cup liberty with three teaspoons of justice.
Add one informed electorate. Baste well with veto power."
" My back is spineless. My belly is yellow.
I am the American nonvoter."
"Stir in two cups of checks. Sprinkle liberally with balances."
" Ding, dong. The sounds of the Liberty Bell.
Ding— freedom. Dong— opportunity.
Ding— excellent schools. Dong— quality hospitals."
"When America was born on that hotJuly day in 1 77 6...
"the trees in Springfield Forest were tiny saplings, trembling towards the sun.
"And as they were nourished by Mother Earth...
"so too did our fledgling nation find strength...
"in the simple ideals of equality and justice.
"Who would have thought such mighty oaks or such a powerful nation...
could grow out of something so fragile, so pure?"
Thank you.
- What do you think? - It's good.
A little too good for an eight-year-old.
Me thinks I detect the sickly scent of the daddy.
Mr. Simpson, I'd like to ask you a few questions about your daughter's essay.
- Lisa, will you excuse us? - Okay.
"We the purple"? What the hell was that?
- Are you a professional writer? - Mm-mmm.
Are you interested in politics or government?
I don't know.
- Are you interested in anything? - I don't know.
- Could you touch your nose for me? Hmm. - Mm. Hmm.
Lisa, after meeting your father...
I've decided to award you an additional five points.
Congratulations. You and your family are going to Washington.
Wa-hoo! Who would have guessed...
reading and writing would pay off?
- Yes, sir, can I get you something? - Playing cards, notepad...
aspirin, sewing kit, pilot's wing pin...
propeller-shaped swizzle stick, sleeping mask...
- and anything else I've got coming to me. - I'll see what I can do.
Hmm.
Steward!
Little boy, I bet you'd like to visit the cockpit.
Ooh-ooh, baby!
And this control stick is like the handlebars on your tricycle.
Now, would you like to see where we hang our coats?
No, thank you. I'd rather push this button. Oops!
No!
We're all gonna die!
Look, Marge, that guy has the same last name we do. Taxi.!
Oh, look, Homer, the I.R.S.
- Boo! - Oh, boo yourself.
Here we are, kids. The Watergate.
Hey!
Homer, look.! They give you a shower cap...
and body gel and bathrobes.
And a welcoming mint on your pillow.
Wow, a shoehorn. Just like in the movies.
Shoe goes on, shoe goes off, shoe goes on, shoe goes off.
Shoe goes on, shoe goes off.
Hey, I call first bedsies.
Bart, there's no such thing as first bedsies. You just made that up.
Well, okay, which one do you want?
I... want... that one.
Really? You want that one?
It's all yours. Whatever you say.
- Why? What's wrong with it? - Nothing.
- Have a good night's sleep, Lisa. - No, really, what?
- Nothing. - What did you do to it?
- Nothing. - Mom!
What the— D'oh! Stupid welcoming mint!
- Hello? - Good morning. This is your wake-up call.
Wake-up call? It's 2:00 a.m.
Sorry, fatso.
Free food?
Lisa, I'm Faith Crowley— patriotism editor of Reading Digest.
Oh, I love your magazine.
My favorite section is " How to Increase Your Word Power."
That thing is really, really, really... good.
Well, good. Lisa, I'd like you to meet some other finalists.
- This is Trong Van Dinh and Maria Dominguez. - Hello.
Maria is the National Spelling Bee Champion.
And Trong has won both the Westinghouse Talent Search...
and the NFL Punt, Pass and Kick Competition.
Have either of you ever run into any problems because of your superior ability?
- Hmm? - Sure, I guess. - Oh, me too!
These are special V.I.P. badges.
They'll get you into places other tourists never see.
- Miss, what does the "I" stand for? - Important.
- Oh! How about the "V"? - Very.
- Oh! And, miss, just one more question. - Person.
Ah!
- What does the "I" stand for again? - Oh!
- "On this spot, Richard Nixon bowled back-to-back 300 games." - Yeah, right.
Wow, the president's bathroom.
- Do you mind? - Barbara Bush!
Oh, you have those damn badges.
Okay. This tub was installed in 1894.
Mmm. Money.
Hey, watch it, chief.
Folks, we print more than 18 million bills a day.
Oh, and in case you were wondering...
no, we don't give out free samples.
Lousy, cheap country.
Bart, get out of The Spirit of St. Louis.!
Hey, what's so funny.
Oh, Marge, grow up!
Congressman, this is, uh, Springfield National Forest.
- Now, basically, what we wanna do is cut her down. - Uh-huh.
As you can see in our artist's rendition, it's full of old growth...
just aging and festering away.
In comes our logging company to thin out the clutter.
It's all part of nature's, you know, cycle.
Well, Jerry, you're a whale of a lobbyist, and, uh...
I'd like to give you a logging permit, I would, but, uh...
this isn't like burying toxic waste.
People are gonna notice those trees are gone.
Eh, Congressman, this is where it gets awkward.
I— I never quite know how to put this.
- I just want to— - Offer me a bribe?
Oh, what is it?
It's that little girl from Springfield who wrote the essay.
- Could be a good photo-op. - Sure, fine.
- So, uh, where do we— - Duh, duh, duh, Not here.
I've got a little place that I use for these, uh, matters. Call me tonight.
- Well, hi there. You must be Lisa Simpson. - Hello, sir.
Lisa, you're a doer, and who knows, maybe someday...
you'll be a congressman or a senator.
We have quite a few women senators, you know.
Only two. I checked.
You're a sharp one. Well, how about a few pictures?
Tot shot always plays in the sticks.
Oh, isn't that nice?
Now there is a politician who cares.
If I ever vote, it'll be for him.
Mom?
Lisa, the contest isn't for three hours.
I'm too excited to sleep.
Anyone up for the Winifred Beecher Howe Memorial?
- Who's that? - An early crusader for women's rights.
She led the Floor Mop Rebellion of 1 91 0.
Later, she appeared on the highly unpopular 75-cent piece.
Okay, but you don't know what you're missing.
Oh!
"I will iron your sheets when you iron out...
the inequities in your labor laws."
Amen, sister.
I told you no one ever came here.
So, Bob, where do we stand on Springfield Forest?
Do I get my logging permit?
Well, let me put it this way, Jerry. Timber!
- What a pooch. - Woof woof!
How can I read my essay now? I don't believe my own words.
Honest Abe— he'll show me the way.
- Mr. Lincoln— - Mr. Lincoln, I need your advice.
What can I do to make this a better country?
Is this a good time to buy a house?
- I can't get my boy to brush. - Would I look good with a mustache?
I tried using turpentine, but that just made it worse.
Mr. Lincoln? Mr. Lincoln?
My name is Lisa Simpson, and I have a problem!
Mr. Jefferson, my name is Lisa Simpson...
- and I have a problem. - I know your problem.
The Lincoln Memorial was too crowded.
- Sorry, sir. It's just— - No one ever comes to see me.
I don't blame them. I never did anything important—
just the Declaration of Independence...
the Louisiana Purchase, the dumbwaiter—
Maybe I should be going. I caught you at a bad time.
Wait! Please don't go. I get so lonely.
The truth must be told.
Oh.! Oh.! Oh.! Oh.!
Rudy, my man, you're a miracle worker.
Your laundry, sir.
There you go. Buy yourself something nice.
- Thank you. - Bart, are you ready to go to—
- I'll room service you.! - Before you kill me...
remember, this trip is all expenses paid.
- Thank you. - Oh, this guy is awful.
I know, honey, but just sit still.
Welcome, everyone, to the awards luncheon.
I'd like to introduce our distinguished judges...
who will select our scholarship winner.
Former Redskins great Alonzo Flowers...
perennial third-party candidate Wilson DeFarge...
Senate page Brad Fletcher...
skin care consultant Rowena...
and wealthy gadabout Chilton Gaines.
Our first essayist will be Lisa Simpson.
Lisa? Lisa?
Oh, there she is.
Lisa Simpson will now read her essay—
I would like to read a different essay, if I may?
Um— Okay.
The city of Washington was built on a stagnant swamp...
some 200 years ago and very little has changed.
It stank then and it stinks now.
Only today, it is the fetid stench of corruption that hangs in the air.
Cool! A ruckus.
And who did I see taking a bribe...
but the honorable Bob Arnold.
But don't worry, Congressman...
I'm sure you can buy all the votes you need with your dirty money.
And this will be one nation under the dollar...
with liberty and justice for none.
Senator, there's a problem at the essay contest.
- Please, son, I'm very busy. - A little girl...
- is losing faith in democracy. - Good Lord!
Congressman, we want to drill for oil in Teddy Roosevelt's head.
Well— Teddy who?
Congressman...
you're under arrest.
- You work fast. - I work for Uncle Sam.
We will now vote on the House bill 1022—
the expulsion of Bob Arnold.
Mr. Speaker, I'm all for the bill, but shouldn't we tack on...
- a pay raise for ourselves? - No.!
Okay, this should make my bosses very happy.
- Your bosses? - Yep. All 250 million of them.
When my family arrived in this country four months ago...
we spoke no English and had no money in our pockets.
Today, we own a nationwide chain of wheel-balancing centers.
Where else but in America— or possibly Canada—
could our family find such opportunity?
That's why whenever I see the stars and stripes...
I'll always be reminded of that wonderful word "flag."
There will be a brief recess while the judges tabulate their votes.
Lisa, what's gotten into you?
Yeah, your other speech was a little more crowd pleasing.
I'm sorry, Dad. I couldn't think of a nice way to say America stinks.
Extra! Extra! Feds nab rotten rep.
Give me one of those.
"Imprisoned congressman becomes born-again Christian. "
I can't believe it. The system works.
- He already sang this song. - No, that was about the budget gap.
This is the trading gap.
And now the moment of truth.
Will the winning essay be " Bubble on, O melting pot"?
"Lift high your lamp, Green Lady"?
"USA, A-OK"?
Or "Cesspool on the Potomac"?
Cesspool! Cesspool! Cesspool! Cesspool! Cesspool!
And now the winner is...
" USA, A-OK," by Trong Van Dinh.
D'oh!
Miss Crowley, thank you for this oversized novelty check.
I would like share this honor with all of my fellow essayists...
particularly the courageous Lisa Simpson...
whose inflammatory rhetoric reminded us...
that the price of freedom is eternal vigilance.
Give her the check!
I was serious.
- Ow.! - Bart!
Lis, you taught me to stand up for what I believe in.
Shh!